


We Dream and Dream (Of Forever)

by whatthekey (sardothien)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Wedding Planner, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:43:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3544844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sardothien/pseuds/whatthekey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kim Jongdae plans weddings. He promises one day of happiness, one day of glamor, one day of dreams-come-true. He does not promise forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Dream and Dream (Of Forever)

**Author's Note:**

> notes: originally written for [airplanewishes](http://airplanewishes.livejournal.com/) as part of [criticalcapture](http://criticalcapture.livejournal.com/). also hosted on [livejournal](http://whatthekey.livejournal.com/14138.html)!
> 
>  **warning** : sex under the influence of alcohol

There are a lot of things that Jongdae could have been doing on a Saturday, most of which involve Joonmyun and sleeping in until his boyfriend tickles him out of bed at one in the afternoon. Sitting in a coffee shop at an ungodly hour with two boxes full of paper samples generally ranks low on his list, but here he is rubbing the sleep out of his eyes at eight in the morning anyway, extra large Tom N Toms coffee fogging up his glasses because he couldn't be bothered to put in his contacts.

The cafe door opens and Jongdae looks up, waving tiredly as Soojung rushes towards his table with an apologetic look on her face.

"I am so sorry to have dragged you here this early," she says, settling into the chair across from him. Soojung looks very pretty despite being out of breath, he notes, cheeks flushed from the chill and eyes bright. "My mom gave me a really hard time about the invitations last night and I can't put it off until much later."

"It's fine," Jongdae says, rifling through one of his boxes. "Did she not like the heavy set ivory?"

Soojung bites her lip. "She said it was too old-fashioned. Is there any way we can make it more youthful?"

Jongdae frowns, pulling out a couple of samples. "We could do a dove gray," he suggests. "Maybe a vellum insert for the details, and then die cut some fleur de lis near the crease."

Soojung examines the paper carefully. "It sounds pricey."

"I could talk with my printer," Jongdae says, rubbing at his temples. "Kibum still owes me a favor, maybe I could get him to lower the price for you."

"Could you really?" Soojung's smile is wide and delighted, and even though it's unnaturally early, Jongdae can't help but feel a little bit pleased with himself.

He laughs. "As long as we haven't printed them yet, anything's possible."

Soojung reaches across the table to twine their hands together, beaming. "You're ridiculous, Jongdae. I don't know how I'll get through this wedding without you."

Jongdae smiles back at her. "Chanyeol is my best friend, Soojung. I have an obligation to make sure your wedding is perfect, even if I have to pay out of my own pocket."

"You're a good guy," she says, squeezing his palms tight. "You deserve your own happy ending too."

Jongdae's face floods with heat, and he hurriedly pulls his hands out from her grip, clearing his throat, and Soojung's face falls.

"Sorry," she says quickly, her cheeks reddening, "I forgot that you don't—"

"It's okay," Jongdae says, but he's not looking at her as he packs his samples, hoping his voice doesn't give him away. Soojung is still biting her lip in embarrassment, and so he takes a breath and offers her a looser smile.

"Maybe one day," he tells her in a gentler voice, and is relieved when she finally cracks a smile. "For now, let's just focus on making your mother happy."

What Jongdae doesn't want to admit is that he might have been imagining Joonmyun in a white tuxedo or matching wedding bands on their fingers. Getting married is something he's thought about so many times that he knows it's better to file it away rather than deal with the implications of commitment. Jongdae's planned maybe a dozen or so weddings, but it's enough for him to question if it's something worth all the stress and drama.

When he gets home an hour later and Joonmyun is making breakfast in his pajamas, Jongdae fights to push that thought down again. Joonmyun's hair is sticking up in the back, looking two coffee cups short of awake. It's adorable.

"So you'll drag yourself out of bed for your best friend's fiancée, but not my world-famous pancakes," Joonmyun jokes, and his tone is light but the words cut straight through to Jongdae’s ribcage anyway like guilt he shouldn’t be carrying.

“It’s my job,” Jongdae mumbles, sinking into a chair. “Soojung is my client.”

Joonmyun makes a quiet noise of dissent, and he turns around, placing a plate of pancakes in front of him. They’re slightly burnt, just the way Jongdae likes them, and Joonmyun's hand squeezes gently at his shoulder. “I know,” he says softly.

♦

When Jongdae was fourteen, his mother had come into the room that he shared with his brother and told him quietly to pack his things. That had been the breaking point, the result of almost a year of late nights in which he'd crouched by the wall outside his parents' room and listen to them scream their voices raw.

Even now, Jongdae couldn't say that he'd been entirely caught off guard, but part of him never forgot the look on his father's face when his mother had taken him and his brother by the hand and left behind their life in Siheung for his grandparents' house in Seoul on the other side of the river. The legal proceedings had taken about five months, their mother leaving him for days at a time to appear in court and leaving Jongdeok to figure out what they would do about Jongdae's school.

That had been over ten years ago, but Jongdae still remembers every excruciating detail, every fight and argument that lay blows to his ears, every new wrinkle along his mother's eyes. Jongdae would never forget how lost his father looked, so helpless and defeated as his wife and children were being taken from him, and decided then and there that he never wanted to do that to anyone, ever.

Jongdae's father had stopped sending Christmas presents after Jongdae had graduated high school, and now the only contact he has with his father is the birthday card he receives every year with a fifty thousand won note tucked inside.

He tries not to pin the blame on either of them. Jongdae knows that these things happen, but he'd never imagined them happening to him. Jongdae thinks back to when his parents were still happy, when their father would come home from work with daisies and tickle her until she shrieked and swatted him away. He thinks back to the time he'd come out to both of them in the beginning of middle school, and how they'd merely linked their hands together and said that they'd still love him no matter what.

Jongdae thinks back and wonders, more than he'd like to admit, how things would have been different if the divorce had never happened.

He wonders what had gone wrong.

♦

Joonmyun's grading papers when he walks in the door, tufts of his hair sticking up in the back and term essays strewn all over the table. It's cute.

"How long have you been at that?" Jongdae asks, toeing off his shoes and walking over to rub at his shoulders.

Joonmyun sighs and leans back into his touch. "All morning," he says. "And I still have about half of them left."

"Mmm." Jongdae's more concerned with siding his palms down Joonmyun's chest. His skin is warm underneath his shirt, and Jongdae ducks to drop a kiss onto his shoulder.

"Jongdae," Joonmyun's voice is half warning, half exasperation. "I have work to do."

"Come on Joonmyun," There's a bit of whine to his words, but Jongdae's always been a little bit shameless when it comes to Joonmyun. He's had a long day and the only thing he wants to do is to get his boyfriend into their bed. "You've been working for five hours already, take a break with me."

"Why do I feel like your idea of a break is way different form what I'm imagining," Joonmyun huffs, but he's not moving away from Jongdae's hands or the kisses he's pressing into his neck, cheeks, eyelids. Jongdae laughs softly, coming around to plant himself in Joonmyun's lap. Jongdae's lips find his in a sweet kiss.

"What _ever_ are you talking about," he says cheekily, pulling away. "I just want to cuddle with my boyfriend." Joonmyun raises an eyebrow at him and Jongdae smirks. "Okay, maybe a little more than that."

Joonmyun snorts before guiding their mouths together again, his arms going around Jongdae's waist to palm his lower back. His lips open easily when Jongdae prods with his tongue and he licks eagerly into his mouth with a soft sigh. Joonmyun tastes like coffee and creamer—sweet and dark and bitter and all the things he loves—and Jongdae whines into his mouth because the need to jump his bones right there is quickly overwhelming all other concerns for decency. Namely, not having sex on top of Joonmyun's students' essays.

"Joonmyun," he murmurs against his lips, rolling his hips down pointedly.

Joonmyun's hands tighten around his waist, urging him off his lap. "Bedroom," he says, voice husky.

Jongdae doesn't need telling twice.

♦

There are three unread messages on Jongdae's phone by the time he wakes up. It's nearly noon, and he rolls over sleepily to flick through his inbox.

From Baekhyun:

_hey asshole when do u want me to come over to get the bow ties_

From Joonmyun:

_What do you want for dinner?_ ♡

From Lu Han:

_england was great!! we should get lunch soon (*_ ≧ _∇_ ≦ _*)_

Jongdae snorts before replying to Lu Han's first ( _i'm free next week, let's grab food yeah?_ ) and then Joonmyun's ( _just u ;) jk jk whatever sounds good_ ). He rolls out of bed to pad into their living room, where a small box lies on their kitchen table.

As Chanyeol's best man, Jongdae would have normally been the one in charge of distributing the bow ties to the rest of the groomsmen, but considering that he was planning the entire wedding already, he'd manage to cajole Baekhyun into doing it for him.

 _come by in half an hour. lmk when youre here_ , he texts to Baekhyun, who responds five seconds later with an emoji flipping him off. Jongdae rolls his eyes.

He's in the middle of making coffee when their door unlocks and Joonmyun stumbles through it, looking flustered.

"Forgot my attendance sheet," he says breathlessly when Jongdae raises an eyebrow at him.

"You don't even have section until two, what's the rush?"

Joonmyun shakes his head. "I was trying to fix the log beforehand, but I guess I can't now." He nods over at the box. "What's this?"

Jongdae wanders over to finger his collar. "Bow ties," he says distractedly, smoothing over the creases in his jacket. "For the groomsmen."

"Ah." Joonmyun's grinning now. His hands come up to cover Jongdae's, linking their fingers together. "So you all can look stuffy and constipated together."

"I think you meant suave and handsome," Jongdae smirks, squeezing his palms. "But I'll forgive your mistake."

Joonmyun shakes his head, smiling fondly, and Jongdae kisses him. It's nice because he can't remember the last time they've been like this—slow, casual, unhurried. Just the two of them alone, just the soft, firm press of their mouths, just Joonmyun's hands warm on his waist. Jongdae hums happily, arms looping around Joonmyun's neck, and sucks gently on his bottom lip.

"You fucking lovebirds," says a disgusted voice, and Joonmyun pulls away with a small surprised sound.

Baekhyun's standing in their doorway looking entirely scandalized, one hand poised on the doorknob and the other holding his phone. "Un-fucking-believable. First you make me do your job, and then I walk in on you sucking face with Joonmyun-hyung instead of actually being productive."

Jongdae blushes furiously, pushing Joonmyun off. "I told you to text me before you got here."

Baekhyun makes a tsking noise, lips curling into a sneer. "I did," he says, brandishing his phone. " _Twice_. But looks like you were too busy to notice."

Jongdae picks up the box of bow ties and shoves it into Baekhyun's arms, irritated. "Get lost."

"Gladly." Baekhyun turns to toss a smirk at Joonmyun. "Don't keep him too occupied, hyung. Save that shit for your own wedding."

Joonmyun freezes and an icy, uncomfortable silence follows in the next few seconds. Jongdae's shoulders tense up and Baekhyun seems to realize what he said. He clears his throat awkwardly.

"Well then," he says. "I guess I'll be going."

It's only after Baekhyun leaves does Joonmyun reach out again, placing a tentative hand on his arm. "Hey," he says softly. "Don't worry about it."

Jongdae's stomach twists unpleasantly. "I should get back to work," he says, ducking out from Joonmyun's hand. "Stuff to do."

Joonmyun steps back almost immediately, and for a second Jongdae almost feels bad because it's not his fault. At the same time, he really wished that all their mutual friends would just get a fucking clue and shut up about it, because his relationship with Joonmyun was the only stable, non-stressful thing in his life, and he didn't want to muck it up with the anxieties of wedding-planning.

"I'll probably head back to the university," Joonmyun says quietly. His expression is neutral, but Jongdae can read the tension in his spine, the insecurities in his eyes. Jongdae sighs heavily, catching his arm before he can step away completely, and presses a kiss into his cheek.

"I'm sorry."

Joonmyun gives him a look that he can't quite decipher, and kisses him properly, on the mouth. The smile he's wearing when he pulls away doesn't reach his eyes.

"I'll be back at seven."

♦

Jongdae's phone goes off with a loud blare of "Cooking Cooking" in his bag.

"Hi umma," he answers after a few seconds of rummaging around. "What's up?"

"Hi honey!" his mother chirps, and Jongdae rolls his eyes. "I was just calling to ask about Chanyeollie. How's the wedding coming along?"

Jongdae pinches his nose bridge, already disliking where this conversation is going. He gets up from the couch where he was going over his checklists and moves into their bedroom. "It's fine. We've got about less than three months left."

"Oh, that's good! How's Soojung? You're not stressing her out, are you?"

"No, umma, I'm pretty sure I'm doing enough stressing out for the three of us."

"Good good good. Sweetie, listen," His mother's voice suddenly drops an octave. "You've been at this wedding planning thing for a long time now—"

Jongdae snorts, standing in front of the mirror to peer at his reflection. He really needs a shave. "Umma, three years isn't that long for someone in my field."

"Well—yes," she admits, sounding distracted, and there's something fishy about her tone of voice that makes Jongdae's defenses go on hyper alert. "The point is that you're at that point in life where everything is beginning to fall into place, and—well, don't you think it's time to settle down?"

And with that question, all of a sudden everything becomes clear. Jongdae's mom did not call to ask about Chanyeol or Soojung or their wedding at all—she called to ask him when he was going to get married.

Jongdae's mouth presses into a thin line. "Umma, we've talked about this."

"I know sweetie," says his mother placatingly over the speaker. "Well, Joonmyunnie's career is starting to take off, and you've both been together for a while—and well, your brother is married, and now Chanyeollie—"

"Why does it matter that Chanyeol's getting married?" Jongdae responds coldly. "He's not your son."

"He's practically my son, Jongdae—honey, please, just think about it. I'm not even pressuring you to marry a woman, and you know how much I want grandchildren. Just—wouldn't it be nice if—"

" _Nice?_ " Jongdae hisses, accidentally knocking his shin into the bed. The newly formed bruise throbs under his skin. "You think I haven't thought about it? You think I don't know? How every time you call to ask about Chanyeol, it's really about Joonmyun, isn't it? I think you should start calling your other son instead of me, umma."

There's a long silence on the other end of the line as Jongdae calms down his breathing. He closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Jongdae." His mother sounds inescapably sad, and guilt washes through him. "I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy."

"I _am_ happy, umma," Jongdae says tiredly, massaging his temples. "Joonmyun and I don't have to be married to be happy. Especially since…. being married doesn't always necessarily make you happy."

His last comment is laced with something akin to bitterness, and Jongdae's sure his mother can sense it because she heaves out a small, long-suffering sigh.

"Okay," she says finally. "Okay, I trust you. Just…. know that I love you, Jongdae. Don't forget that."

Jongdae nods even though he knows she can't see him. "I love you too, umma," he tells her before hanging up.

There's a rustling in the kitchen that startles him. Jongdae frowns. He didn't hear Joonmyun come in.

Joonmyun's eating instant noodles when Jongdae comes out, and he looks up with questions marks in his eyes. "What was that about?"

Jongdae grabs a pair of chopsticks and sits down across from him. "My mom," he says quietly.

When he doesn't elaborate further, Joonmyun nods and forces a smile. It's painful to watch. "I won't ask."

♦

People jostle past him as Jongdae pushes his way through the Sinchon lunch crowd. He doesn't need to walk far; after turning into a street on an upward incline, the stark cement walls of Lord Sandwich comes into view.

It only takes about three seconds to locate Lu Han's bright shock of cherry red hair once he steps inside, and he smirks at how it clashes with his aqua-colored scarf.

"Welcome back, hyung," Jongdae greets him, squeezing his shoulders from behind before taking a seat across from him. "You jet lagged still?

The corners of Lu Han's eyes crinkle with amusement. "Not too badly," he says. "But you look like you haven't been sleeping yourself."

Jongdae snorts, scanning his menu absently. "This wedding is going to be the death of me. Remind me to never plan for anyone I'm close with ever again."

"That's going to be tough with the way Baekhyun keeps flirting," Lu Han shakes his head. "He'll be engaged within the year."

"No, I refuse to plan for Baekhyun, that'd be a nightmare," Jongdae says firmly, shuddering. "But that's not important. Tell me about England."

Lu Han's eyes light up at the mention of England before he launches into a full-bodied description of his vacation in Europe. Jongdae listens over a smoked lox sandwich as Lu Han goes on and on about the football stadiums, how expensive everything is in London, and the guy he brought home one night after a night at the bars.

"His name is Minseok," Lu Han says through a mouthful of ciabatta. "He's a freelance photographer and lives in Manchester."

"Ah, he's Korean?"

Lu Han smirks. "Small world, right? He's coming back to Seoul in three months, so we'll probably meet up."

Jongdae laughs quietly and takes a long sip of his water. "Man, I _wish_ it was three months later already. I'm sick of this."

Lu Han gives him a long, thoughtful look, the kind that reminds Jongdae that Lu Han really is 28 and not eternally 23 like how his face suggests. "Jongdae."

"Mmm?"

"When are you going to quit?"

Jongdae's head jerks up from where he was staring down at his plate. "Quit?"

Lu Han smiles wistfully. "Don't bullshit me, Jongdae. You _hate_ wedding planning."

"I—" It's difficult under Lu Han's steady gaze, and Jongdae swallows. "I don't hate it, I just…. wish it didn't end up becoming my career."

"So why are you still doing it?" Lu Han's words aren't harsh, but Jongdae feels his cheeks color with shame anyway. "You don't need to be doing anything you don't enjoy."

Jongdae leans back in his chair, staring off into space. "I don't know."

♦

Jongdae had never wanted to be a wedding planner.

Years ago, if you had told him he’d end up planning his best friend’s wedding, he’d probably call you crazy. Jongdae would have never guessed that he'd find himself stuck in the same endless loop of rushed phone calls to vendors, booking appointments with caterers, and chauffeuring hysterical brides to be back from hair appointments gone wrong. He'd certain never expected to make it into a career.

When he first met Joonmyun, Jongdae was still studying economics and dead set on becoming a personal accountant. But right from the start, it was obvious that there wasn’t anything Joonmyun wanted to do except teach. Even though Joonmyun was only a writing tutor who worked weekends at the student center, Jongdae could see how much he loved it despite being severely underpaid. Jongdae envied him for that.

Seven years later, Joonmyun’s still the same writing-obsessed idiot he fell in love with—the only thing that’s changed is that he now has actual classes to teach instead of the occasional hopelessly lost sophomore who sucked at writing. Even after living together for four years, Jongdae has never seen anything put a smile on Joonmyun’s face quite the way talking about his students did.

They’d been dating for two years before Joonmyun had asked Jongdae to move in with him, and his final year of university had been one of the most unproductive, blissfully happy, and memorable years of his life. He relishes the mornings where neither of them wanted to get out of bed, skin flush against skin, until Joonmyun mumbled something about needing a shower and Jongdae kicked him out from under the covers.

Things eventually settled down once Jongdae graduated and had started looking for jobs. Joonmyun, who had stayed on as a grad student, got increasingly busier as thesis season approached, leaving Jongdae to do much of the search by himself.

It had been when his mother announced her engagement to her then-boyfriend that Jongdae got his first taste of the wedding planning business that would eventually become the rest of his life. His future step-father wasn't a bad guy; he was polite and accommodating and made a fair amount of money, enough to support his mother comfortably as well as occasionally send a check to help out with Jongdae's rent. Jongdae had never resented him, but the wedding was a stressful time because his mother was forgetful and he'd had no choice but to step in and play the good son.

It had taken a rough seven months before the final knot was tied, and when Jongdae was twenty two he watched his mother marry another man who was not his father. He remembers sitting in the pews of the church he had picked, and tried to understand how his mother could possibly look so happy when the last time she had made this promise she'd ended up uprooting their lives and shattering his faith in marriages for near good. If two people who had loved each other as much as his parents did couldn't work out, he couldn't fathom what could possibly make this any more different.

That had been the first wedding he'd been involved in, and if it had stopped at that Jongdae wouldn't have gotten this deep. But a few months after his mother's second wedding, Jongdeok proposed to his girlfriend of three years and Jongdae once again found himself at the mercy of his mother's pleading.

"You were so great with mine and Youngjun's, Jongdae," she'd told him breezily over the phone, "Why don't you do your brother a favor and give him some help? He just doesn't have the same eye for detail that you have, sweetie."

Despite maintaining that he was a recent graduate in debt, Jongdae eventually let his mom corral him into taking over the planning. His sister-in-law was so pleased that she eventually referred him to her coworker, and so Jongdae found himself shuffled back and forth in between happy couples who wanted him to help out with their respective weddings. It was then that Joonmyun had suggested turning it into a business.

"You could call it something like _The Forever Company_ ," Joonmyun had commented one late night. Jongdae was sprawled over the couch with his head in his boyfriend's lap, Joonmyun's fingers carding through his hair.

Jongdae had snorted, shifting in Joonmyun's lap. "That's false advertising, Joonmyun. I plan for _one_ day of glitz and glamor, not lifetimes. People hire me to make sure that that one day goes right, but I'm not responsible for the rest of their marriage. If they fuck it up, it's not my fault."

Joonmyun's hands stop their petting. "I didn't know you were that cynical about marriage."

Jongdae reaches up to link their fingers together, bringing his hand close so he could kiss his knuckles. "A wedding is just one day, Joonmyun. It's not the gateway to happiness. You don't need to be married to have a forever with someone."

"I…. guess." Jongdae had told himself that he'd never let himself forget how sad Joonmyun had sounded in that very moment, but somehow that promise had gotten buried somewhere in the back of his mind along with any remaining faith he had in happily ever afters.

After Jongdeok had gotten married, Jongdae had told himself he wouldn't plan for anyone close to him ever again. And yet when Chanyeol had proposed to Soojung in the spring of last year, Jongdae knew that he would say yes even before Chanyeol had asked.

It's not that he blamed Chanyeol for his past eight months of nonstop work and stress, but Jongdae was growing tired of the same expectation to _grow up_ and _settle down_ constantly being forced over his head. He wasn't stupid. Jongdae could see it in Joonmyun's eyes, in the way that his fingers brush over the knuckles of his left hand, the way he goes all quiet and distant when talk of Chanyeol and Soojung comes up over dinner.

The truth is that Jongdae loves Joonmyun more than anything else in his life and he wants to protect him as fiercely as he could. He didn't want to lose Joonmyun to the complications of marriage, the risk of falling apart constantly lingering over their heads like a dark storm cloud, like an unanswered question, like a noose. Jongdae loved Joonmyun too much to do that.

Many years ago, his mother would have called him selfish.

These days, Jongdae is starting to believe it.

♦

"We are _not_ going to play Wonder Girls at the reception, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun scowls, leaning back in his seat. They had been sitting in the Dunkin Donuts on the first floor of Baekhyun's complex building for the past hour now trying to draw up the reception program, except that they hadn't gotten much work done because Baekhyun kept insisting on putting as many girl group songs into the playlist.

"Why the hell not?" Baekhyun demands, angrily sucking on his orangeade. " _Nobody_ is totally appropriate, just listen to the lyrics. Also Sohee is really hot. We totally should."

Jongdae shakes his head, rubbing at his temples. "I just happen to be of the opinion that we should play a _classier_ song when we introduce the bridal party. Something like 4men or Brown Eyed Soul."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and keys in 'insert boring-ass song here' on his ipad. "Fine, I'm sorry my trashy pop taste is not to your liking."

"Just because you're going to be the master of ceremonies doesn't give you license to turn the reception into your own K-pop party," Jongdae reminds him lightly. "I could have done the program entirely without you."

Baekhyun smirks, shoving a cheese bread twist in his mouth. "You'd still haul your plebeian ass over to me in the end because you don't know how to have fun, so I forgive you. But I'm still going to use PSY's Gentleman for the groomsmen."

"Whatever," Jongdae says. He's not in the mood to argue with Baekhyun, especially when he was partially right—Baekhyun was definitely more of an entertainer than he was.

"Hey," Baekhyun says, and his voice changes to something a bit more serious. "You're going to have to make a speech, right?"

Jongdae nods, lifting his coffee cup to his lips. At the reception, Jongdae would have to make a speech as Chanyeol's best man. It'd been in the back of his mind from the moment he had picked the reception venue, but until Baekhyun had brought it up just now he hadn't given it much thought.

Baekhyun raises his eyebrows at him. "Have you started writing it?"

"Not yet," Jongdae admits. "We still have a month left."

"Better get a move on, Jongdae. I bet you anything Soojung will want to read it beforehand to make sure you don't say anything embarrassing in front of her parents."

Jongdae snorts. "I'm actually having dinner with them after this."

"What, Chanyeol and Soojung?"

"Yeah, and Joonmyun."

Baekhyun smirks. "Well that's all fine and dandy, but you shouldn't procrastinate on it much longer."

The truth is that Jongdae doesn't know what else to say that wouldn't have already been said. He's not funny or witty like Baekhyun and didn't have the same kind of commanding presence as Kris (something Jongdae mostly attributed to his towering height). He wasn't particularly good at expressing his feelings and wasn't sure how to write a whole three to five minute speech spouting sappy things to his best friend, who'd surely laugh at him.

"I can just ask Joonmyun for help," he says finally. "It'll be fine."

Baekhyun gives him a pointed look. "You _would_ go to Joonmyun for something like this. Don't you think that's kind of cruel?"

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Jongdae asks sharply.

Baekhyun shrugs, waving his hand. "Nothing, nothing. Let's continue making the playlist."

Jongdae frowns. "No, seriously, tell me."

Baekhyun sighs. "I just think it's cruel because maybe, just maybe, he'd rather be writing a wedding vow than writing a speech. Congratulations, here's a trophy for being an asshat."

Anger flares up in Jongdae's veins. "What makes you think you can assume that?"

"Chill, princess." Baekhyun's glancing down at his phone again. "I gotta bounce, my client is calling me. But have fun with your little double date or whatever."

And the Baekhyun gets up, leaving Jongdae's left to his own frustration and heavily pounding heart.

♦

The restaurant looms up over them as they get out of the taxi. The bitter taste in Jongdae's mouth only seems to grow stronger at the touch of Joonmyun's hand on the small of his back.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Joonmyun's voice is quiet and soothing in his ear, but rather than put him at ease, it only makes the twisting in his stomach grow worse.

Jongdae shakes his head, trying to push back his annoyance with Baekhyun from earlier. "Let's just get it over with."

Chanyeol and Soojung are waiting for them in a corner booth, Chanyeol already digging into the complimentary plate of chips and Soojung sipping primly at her mint water.

His best friend's face breaks into a smile when he sees them, getting out of his seat quickly. "Jongdae, Joonmyun!" Chanyeol envelops Joonmyun in a giant hug, paying no mind to his amused spluttering. "Haven't seen you in forever, buddy. Students keeping you busy?"

"Increasingly," Joonmyun chuckles, rubbing at his arms where Chanyeol hugged him. "Jongdae's feeling a little bit under the weather, unfortunately, we probably won't stay too long."

"Oh no," Soojung says, leaning forward in concern. "Are you stressed out?"

Jongdae settles into a chair, shrugging. He can start to feel the beginnings of a migraine press in between his eyes and stubbornly decides to ignores it. "Must be something I ate."

Joonmyun's looking at him with a sickening mixture of worry and confusion, and Jongdae tries not to pay attention to the roiling in his stomach.

"Now that I think about it, haven't seen much of you either, Jongdae," Chanyeol's continuing blithely. "I swear Soojung sees more of you than I do these days."

Soojung smacks his arm fondly as Joonmyun orders coffee for the two of them. "That's because you couldn't care less about the reception decorations. If you were just a bit more interested—"

"How am I supposed to know the difference between azure and cerulean?!" Chanyeol protests, pouting at her, and Joonmyun lets out a laugh.

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say that those are shades of purple," he says.

"Blue," Jongdae says tiredly, taking a sip of his coffee. His headache worsens, and right now he wishes the lot of them would just shut up about the wedding because for the past eight months the only thing's he heard out of anyone's mouths is Chanyeol and Soojung's wedding and he's sick of it.

Joonmyun chuckles. "Looks like I'd be just as bad," he jokes, and Soojung smiles.

"Do you ever think about these things, Joonmyun-ssi?" she asks him, and Jongdae's back stiffens.

"Me?" Joonmyun asks in a small voice. His hand had stilled from where he'd been resting it on Jongdae's thigh and stroking lightly, and Jongdae pointedly doesn't return the glance he knows Joonmyun is giving him. All at once Jongdae just wants to go home.

"I—no, not really," Joonmyun says, sounding uncertain, and throwing him nervous looks all the while. "I'm happy with our relationship now."

Chanyeol makes a weird noise in the back of his throat. "You know, you're really bad at lying, Joonmyun."

Jongdae looks up sharply as his boyfriend turns a bright red. "N-no, it's fine, really—"

"Don't put on an act, Joonmyun, it's so obvious—" Chanyeol insists dubiously, waving off Soojung's small shocked gasp.

"Chanyeol." Jongdae sets down his glass carefully. The pounding in between his eyes has reach its maximum. "It's none of your business."

Joonmyun chooses that moment to clear his throat. "I think I'll go to the restroom," he says pointedly.

Chanyeol's eyes watch him stand up to excuse himself before he turns to Jongdae instead, brow creasing. "To be honest, Jongdae, I don't really know what you're trying to avoid here."

"I'm not avoiding anything," Jongdae says lightly. "There's nothing to talk about."

Chanyeol sighs loudly, running a hand through his hair. "Are you really playing this game, Jongdae? It's so fucking obvious."

"I don't appreciate you trying to get in between our relationship," Jongdae says hotly. "This doesn't concern you."

"It's not fair what you're doing," Chanyeol says seriously. "It's not wrong if you're not ready, Jongdae, but if you just keep avoiding the topic around him you'll just end up hurting him."

"I do _not_ avoid the topic." Jongdae glares. "You're just—

Chanyeol holds up his hand. "Tell the truth, Jongdae. Have you ever thought about asking Joonmyun to marry you?"

Jongdae swallows furiously, his blood reaching the boiling point. He's spent so long trying to get out of this question and yet here he was with no way out. Chanyeol's eyes remain steady on him as he struggles for an answer.

"I have," he says finally. "But—"

"But _what?_ " Chanyeol meets his gaze. "Don't try to change the topic."

Jongdae glances over to Soojung, who bites her lip and looks down. He sighs heavily. There was no getting around it. "Marriage," Jongdae begins. "… just… isn't for us."

Chanyeol lets out a noise of disbelief and Jongdae grits his teeth, preparing himself for another barrage of harsh words, but they never come. He looks up, and his blood freezes when he sees that neither Chanyeol or Soojung are looking at him, their eyes fixed instead over Jongdae's shoulder.

Jongdae turns around slowly in his seat, and Joonmyun is standing there behind him. His eyes are hard, and all the color is gone from his face. Jongdae feels his stomach plummet as Joonmyun wordlessly squeezes past him into his chair.

"Why don't I just ask Joonmyun myself," comes Chanyeol's strained voice from across the table. "Joonmyun, do you want to marry Jongdae?"

Jongdae determinedly does not look at him, keeping his eyes fixed straight ahead as he waits for Joonmyun to answer.

"I—" Joonmyun sounds slightly shell-shocked and the guilt wraps tight around Jongdae's windpipe and _squeezes_. "I mean, of course I'd want to, but—"

Jongdae can see Joonmyun glance at him from the corner of his eye.

"But?" Chanyeol prompts.

"Jong—I mean, I'm in no hurry," Joonmyun finishes softly. Jongdae looks at him then, heart thudding furiously; Joonmyun's eyes are shuttered. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Are you serious?" Chanyeol blinks in disbelief. "But it's _not_ okay, Joonmyun, how can you just take it? Have you never brought it up to him seriously?"

"Chanyeol, shut up," Jongdae snaps. "Don't try to cross interrogate my boyfriend. Our relationship is not your business."

"Jongdae, you're being selfish as hell right now, I'm telling you as your best friend." Jongdae doesn't remember the last time Chanyeol had ever looked this angry, but at this point in time he doesn't really care because his blood is boiling and more than anything he wants to stand up and walk out. "I can't believe you're doing this to Joonmyun when all he's ever done is be good to you."

"Doing _what_ to Joonmyun?" he hisses, slamming both palms down on the table. His glass rattles dangerously close to the edge. "Tell me, what the _fuck_ I am doing to Joonmyun?"

It's then that Joonmyun moves, placing a tentative hand on his arm. "Jongdae, please." His voice reminds him of his mother—inescapably sad, defeated, tired. "Don't fight him—he's just worried about you."

Joonmyun's touch burns through his sleeve and Jongdae shrugs him off. "Joonmyun, this has nothing to do with you."

It leaves his mouth before he can stop it and suddenly the rebuff is there in between him, unable to be taken back. Joonmyun looks like Jongdae had reached out to slap in the face, and he pulls back into his seat, face and eyes shuttered.

Chanyeol lets out a low growl. "Jongdae, stop lying to yourself and act like a man for once in your fucking life."

And that's it for Jongdae, that's it. He stands up abruptly, his chair scooting back and bumping into the table behind them, but Jongdae doesn't even spare them a glance.

"I think I've had enough of this conversation."

Chanyeol is on his feet in a flash, arm shooting out to grab a fistful of Jongdae's shirt. "Sit the fuck down, asshole, I'm not done with you."

" _Stop it_ , both of you." Now Soojung is on her feet too, pulling at Chanyeol's elbow. "You're best friends, quit fighting."

It's a long few seconds that stretches thin and strung out between the four of them—Jongdae, Chanyeol, and Soojung all standing up and Joonmyun in his seat staring resolutely into the grain of the table. A couple of the other patrons of the restaurant are starting to stare, and it's only when a server comes by to meekly ask if everything was alright does Chanyeol let out an angry hiss of air and throws his napkin down.

"Take the week off, Jongdae," Chanyeol bites out, fishing out his wallet with shaking hands and dropping bills onto the table. "I don't want to see you."

He storms out after that without a backwards glance, and Soojung barely has time to bow low to them, the color high on her cheeks, before hurrying out after him. And just like that, it's just Jongdae alone with Joonmyun, the hurt surrouding Joonmyun thick and palpable. Jongdae releases the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and sits down slowly.

They don't say anything, Jongdae idly pushing his salad around with his fork and Joonmyun continuing to stare down at his legs. It's only past the ten minute mark does Joonmyun finally rise, adding his own bills to Chanyeol's on the table, and then walks out without a word.

Jongdae stays in his seat, staring dully at the crisp won notes that Joonmyun had left, and the sandwich that Joonmyun had barely touched. He had crossed an unspoken line just now and it was painfully imminent that Joonmyun had been deeply, irrevocably hurt. Jongdae wrestles with the conversation, replaying it back in his head over and over again until he the only thing looping through his mind is the way Joonmyun had drawn back into himself as if he'd been scalded. Jongdae's veins thrum with burning guilt.

He stands up awkwardly and leaves the restaurant, only faintly surprised when Joonmyun isn't out there waiting for him. He must have taken a cab back to their place without him, and Jongdae follows suit, sliding into the backseat of the next taxi and swallowing over the thick lump in his throat.

Joonmyun is grading papers when Jongdae tentatively pushes the door open, his furious scribbling the only sound echoing in their apartment. Jongdae's breath catches in his chest as he watches him, his head bent low over their kitchen table, brows furrowed and profile in sharp silhouette, and is struck numbly by how much he loves him. Jongdae shuts the door quietly and makes his way over to Joonmyun's side.

"Joonmyun." Jongdae takes a seat at the table next to where he's sitting. Joonmyun doesn't turn to look at him, and his heart clenches painfully. "I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't meant to shut you down like that."

Joonmyun only continues to grade, crossing out several lines on the essay in front of him (too many than he should be, Jongdae thinks, but he doesn't voice it aloud). Exhaling a shaky breath, Jongdae reaches out tentatively to wrap his fingers around his boyfriend's forearm, stroking gently.

"Please say something. I'm so sorry, Joonmyun."

"It's fine," Joonmyun replies in a tight, strained voice. He's still not looking at him. "It's okay."

Jongdae bites his lip, rubbing his thumb along the tiny bones in Joonmyun's wrist. He hates when he gets like this, when Joonmyun builds himself into a box of emotions and shuts it away because he's afraid of being a burden. Jongdae can see him doing it now, and even after dating him for so many years, to this day it still scares him.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks finally, and he's not sure what answer he's looking for. Jongdae's scared he will say yes. Jongdae's scared that he'll say no.

Joonmyun is quiet for a while, making a small comment in the margins of the paper. It's only when Jongdae stops stroking his arm does he finally let out a sigh that sounds too much like he's tired and not enough like he's fine.

"I'll be okay."

It doesn't answer his question. Jongdae slides his palm down Joonmyun's arm to lace their fingers together, bringing his hand up to kiss his knuckles.

"I love you," Jongdae tells him, because he doesn't know what else to say, because it's his last line of defense.

Joonmyun finally stops writing, and turns his head to gaze into Jongdae's eyes. He isn't smiling, he doesn't squeeze his hand back.

"I know."

♦

Joonmyun is gone in the morning when Jongdae wakes up, and he rolls over trying to ignore the empty space next to him in bed, the missing piece that's prevalent throughout their entire apartment, the hollow feeling in his chest.

He thinks of Joonmyun the entire time he's out that day, running last minute errands for the bridesmaids, and swallows back the nauseating shame that builds up thick and sticky in his throat.

When he gets back later that night, Joonmyun is already asleep on his side of the bed, curled up into a tiny unassuming ball near the edge. Jongdae has to fight back the urge to wake him as he settles in next to him, not wanting to disrupt his sleep.

♦

The following week, Soojung sends him a text message.

From Soojung: _would you like to come with me to my final gown fitting?_

Jongdae blinks at his phone in confusion for a few moments before typing back a response.

To Soojung: _not that i wouldn't want to, but wouldn't you rather have your mom or girlfriends go with you??_

His phone dings two seconds later.

From Soojung: _you're my fiancee's best friend. your opinion matters to me :)_

Jongdae swallows, Soojung's text burning bright into his eyes. He had not directly contacted or met up with Chanyeol or Soojung since the scene at the restaurant. Thinking about it again makes him sick to his stomach especially when he thinks about Joonmyun shutting down and withdrawing into himself, but he'd known that he'd have to confront the problem eventually. He just hadn't expected the person to be Soojung.

An hour later, Jongdae finds himself waiting outside of the dress shop with his hands tucked into his pockets. Soojung meets him on the street looking breezy and pretty, no sign of last week's fiasco apparent in her face. Jongdae's not sure if he should be grateful to her for that or unsettled.

"Hi," she greets him, beaming. "Thanks for coming."

Jongdae smiles weakly at her. "How can I say no to the bride?"

Smiling, Soojung drags him into the bridal boutique by the crook of his arm. Jongdae stands around awkwardly while she makes small chat with the shop assistants.

"Back again, Soojung! You just can't get enough of me, can you?" The boutique owner is a slim man with dyed light blue hair. "Did you bring me a present? He's cute."

Soojung laughs. "Oppa, this is Jongdae-ssi. He's Chanyeollie's best friend, and he's taken, I'm sorry."

The man makes a disappointed noise in his throat, and Jongdae takes his outstretched hand gingerly.

"Nice to meet you."

"Kim Ryeowook," Ryeowook sniffs sadly. "Don't touch anything unless I say you can. Follow me, Soojung-ah."

They follow Ryeowook into the back of the store where there's a pedestal set up in front of a alcove of mirrors.

"I'll have Jinri bring in the dress for you," Ryeowook says briskly, waving his hand lazily at the chairs conveniently placed. "You can sit here while you wait."

Soojung smiles her thanks as he waltzes off, then sits down, patting the seat next to her.

Feeling inexplicably nervous, Jongdae takes the offered seat. For a good two minutes, they sit in a somewhat comfortable silence.

Finally, Soojung speaks up. "You probably don't want to talk about Chanyeol," she says softly. At the mention of his name, Jongdae stiffens, but Soojung lays a comforting hand on his arm and Jongdae forces himself to relax. "It's okay, I understand. I'm really sorry for last week, he was kind of tactless."

Jongdae's tongue feels thick in his mouth as he nods. "It's okay," he replies, unsure of where this conversation was heading, but doesn't get a chance to ask before a tall girl sweeps in with a plastic-covered gown in her arms.

Soojung squeezes his arm before letting herself be led into the dressing room.

"I haven't known you as long as Chanyeol has, but I don't like to see you two fighting," Soojung's voice rings out from inside the dressing room. Jongdae's fingers clutch at the seat of his chair as he listens, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. "He crossed a lot of lines that he shouldn't have, but you're important to him, Jongdae-ssi. He didn't meant to upset you."

"I know," Jongdae forces out. His voice comes out as a hoarse croak, and he hates how it makes him sound so unsure. "I'm not mad at him."

He listens to Soojung get zipped and laced up into her bodice, the ruffling of skirts and pillowy satin the only other sounds from behind the door.

"Chanyeol just wants you to be able to make the right decision," Soojung continues softly. "If you're not ready, you're not ready. You and Joonmyun-oppa have been together long enough that it shouldn't matter, but you shouldn't be afraid to hide things like this from him."

"I'm not hiding anything," Jongdae protests, but doesn't feel much like fighting, not when so much of his energy was sapped out of him from running errand after errand and trying to tip-toe around his guilty at home. "Joonmyun already knows where I stand with this."

He doesn't get the chance to say much more before the door opens and Soojung is standing there in her bridal gown and shoes, and Jongdae's breath catches.

Soojung smiles shyly, lifting up her skirt and going over to the pedestal to stand on it while Jinri takes last minute measurements with pins stuck in her teeth.

" _Wow_ ," Jongdae breathes, almost reverently. Soojung's wedding dress is a simple mermaid-style with a sweetheart neckline in a lovely shade of eggshell-colored satin. It's understated and classic, and she looks absolutely stunning. In all the wedding's he's ever planned, Jongdae had never accompanied the bride to any of the dress visits. Jongdae had made clear a blatant disinterest in his mother's second dress right from the start, and he hadn't been nearly as close enough to his other clients to have been extended an invitation.

Jongdae feels like he's stumbled upon something significant, something immensely private and personal, and he can't help but feel a little humbled by the privilege. It's then that he realizes that he's been missing out on a whole facet of his job for the past three years, the void of that epiphany taking root in his ribcage.

As he continues to look at her, Soojung catches his eyes in the reflection of the mirror. "I believe you when you say that you two have talked about it," she tells him. "But not to the extent that I think is necessary. You hurt him, Jongdae."

Her voice is gentle, but the words cut through to his core anyway. And as the final adjustments were made and all the pins were taken out, Jongdae finds that he has no answer. Soojung lets her arms drop and she turns around to face him, away from the mirror, and makes a sweeping gesture with her hands.

"How do I look, Jongdae?"

Jongdae bites his lip, feeling something clench in his chest as he takes in Soojung in all her effervescent beauty—the satin and the chiffon and the pink high on her cheeks and the glow in her eyes—and says the first thing that comes to his mind.

"You look happy," he tells her plainly, because it's true. Soojung looks blissfully, whole-heartedly _happy_ , like she's ready to commit herself to something more important and essential than Jongdae can ever fathom. It hurts when he tries to think about it, when he tries to imagine that for himself.

Then Soojung smiles at him, a sad, knowing smile, and Jongdae's every fiber burns with guilt.

"You deserve that too," she says. "Don't you think?"

♦

It doesn't get better.

It's been about two weeks since the incident and Jongdae has probably had only two or three proper conversations with Joonmyun, their tones light and casual. Nothing too deep, nothing that will scratch the surface of the wound that Jongdae knows Joonmyun is trying to heal.

He ends up seeing less and less of him as Jongdae gets busier and busier with the wedding fast approaching. It doesn't help that Joonmyun's sleep schedule has him waking up at ungodly hours and already asleep by the time that Jongdae gets home from his day's meeting with stylists, vendors, or caterers. And the times Joonmyun isn't in bed, he's out with Kris and Yixing until two or three in the morning.

The first time Jongdae had noticed, he'd been going over the wedding day itinerary well past midnight when Joonmyun stumbled in, top two buttons unbuttoned and eyes red.

"Joonmyun," Jongdae had started, but Joonmyun had merely shook his head and stalked past him into their bedroom. Jongdae had caught a whiff as he passed by, but he didn't smell any alcohol.

 _it's nothing like what you think_ , Kris responds when Jongdae texts him about it. _we just grab food and talk. mostly yixing and i just listen, but we're not getting him drunk, if that's what you were asking._

Jongdae bites his lip, staring down at his screen. _does he talk about me?_

Kris' reply is short and poignant.

_what do you think?_

He's woken up one night by the sound of soft sobbing coming from their kitchen. Jongdae rolls out of bed, rubbing his eyes, and is stopped in his tracks by the sight of Joonmyun sitting at the table and crying softly into his hands. Jongdae chest tightens up as Joonmyun's quiet tears pierce the air and burrow deep into his heart, and he quietly walks up to him.

Joonmyun doesn't try to draw away or push him off when Jongdae pulls him into his arms. For a while they stay like that, Jongdae holding him and Joonmyun muffling his gasping into his shoulder. The moment feels incredibly fragile—like if Jongdae makes one wrong move all his efforts will come crashing down around him—and so Jongdae clings tight to Joonmyun, lets Joonmyun cling tight to _him_ , because at the moment, that's all he can think of, to let Joonmyun know that he's there for him.

It's the only thing he can do.

♦

Exactly one week before the wedding Jongdae gets a phone call from Chanyeol's sister. Yura had to be one of his favorite people in the world—the two of them had grown extremely close when he and Chanyeol were still in high school, Yura often joining them on the couch to challenge them to endless rounds of video games and staying up late with them to order jjajjangmyun at three in the morning.

Jongdae had spent a lot of his high school years hoping that she and his brother would fall in love because he desperately wanted to be able to call her and Chanyeol legitimate members of his family, but Jongdeok had never been interested.

"She's so boyish," his brother had scoffed once when Jongdae had brought it up. "Maybe if she grew her hair and acted more like a lady, I'd consider."

He never quite forgave Jongdeok for that, and was sincerely happy that Yura never outgrew the personality that he loved her so much for.

Seeing her name pop up on his screen now is a pleasant surprise, and he stops what he's doing to answer.

"Noona," he grins into his phone. "How are you? You're flying in soon, right?"

Yura's career in broadcasting had eventually taken her to Shanghai, where her company was opening a new branch. She'd made the move a little after Jongdae had started university, and since then the only chances he'd gotten to see her were at Chanyeol's family gatherings. She was supposed to arrive in a couple of days, and, despite everything, this was one aspect of the wedding that Jongdae was genuinely excited about. He'd missed her.

"Actually, Jongdae," There's a lot of background noise and Jongdae notices that she sounds a little sheepish. "That's what I'm calling about. Can you do me a giant favor?"

Jongdae balances his cell phone between his ear and his shoulder as he edits the final guest list. "What do you need, noona?"

"Don't tell Chanyeol yet, but I decided to fly in early to surprise him." Ah, Jongdae thinks, that must explain the noise. She's probably at the airport. "Except my friend who was supposed to pick me up had something at the last minute, and so I'm stuck here."

Jongdae checks the clock. He had a meeting with the caterer in about three hours, but he should be back in time. "I can go get you, noona. You'll just have to give me about forty minutes," he laughs. "I'm not exactly dressed to leave the house."

"That's okay," Yura answers, sounding immensely relieved. "I'll wait here for you. Thank you so much, Jongdae, I really appreciate it."

"Anything for my favorite noona," Jongdae tells her cheekily. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Fifteen minutes later Jongdae finds himself on Line 1 headed towards Incheon Airport. Thankfully, the cars aren't too packed, and he arrives at the airport around the time he said he would, and Jongdae stretches his legs when he disembarks.

Yura is waiting for him at the baggage claim looking very pretty in a long trench coat and short, curled hair. She gives him a giant smile and a wave. "I was hoping that you'd have gotten taller, but I guess not."

Jongdae laughs, taking her carry on bag from her. "I've missed your teasing. How's Shanghai?"

"Terrible," Yura says with feeling. "The rain right now is no joke. I'm really glad to be back here."

Jongdae grins back at her. "Is this it?" he teases, holding up her luggage. "Noona, you could have done this yourself."

Yura smirks and smacks his arm. "I have two more coming, don't worry."

"Two? You're only staying here for the wedding, what do you need two check ins for?"

"Presents," Yura replies, watching the the luggage carousel go around until she points at a large rollaway. "You can't possibly expect me to come back from Shanghai empty-handed."

Jongdae grabs the handle as it passes by and hoists it over and onto the floor. "Guess so. Still, that's a lot of presents."

Yura smiles knowingly. "I have gifts for you and Joonmyun-ssi, too."

At the mention of Joonmyun's name a wave of guilt washes through him, but he tries not to let it show on his face. "Oh, r-really? Noona, you didn't have to."

Yura gives him a look, but doesn't say anything. "Of course I did. You're my favorite of Chanyeollie's friends."

They don't say much after that, Jongdae helping her grab her last bag and then heading back down to the subway. Yura sits next to him primly, fiddling with her phone as the subway car sways gently on the tracks.

"Jongdae," she says after a while.

Jongdae looks up. "Hmm?"

Yura knocks her ankle into his lightly. "Is there anything wrong with you and Joonmyun-ssi?"

"No," Jongdae says way too quickly. "What makes you say that?"

"You made a face when I brought him up," Yura replies softly. "You can tell me, you know, if something happened."

Jongdae pauses for a second, Yura's expectant eyes on him, and then sighs before telling her all about what had happened on the restaurant.

"I don't really know how to fix it," he says. "It's not that I don't love Joonmyun, but it's just—"

"You're not ready," Yura finishes for him quietly. "You don't want to put that kind of strain on your relationship."

Jongdae nods. "I just wish that he'd get the idea that I don't love him enough to marry him out of his head. It's not about that at all."

Yura doesn't respond for a while, instead opting to be interested in the mother and child sitting across the aisle from them. She makes faces at the little girl, laughing when the girl babbles something incoherent into her mother's legs.

Something tugs at Jongdae's lips and he finds himself smiling before he can stop it, and then Yura's hand comes to rest on his knee.

"I know you didn't hurt Joonmyun-ssi on purpose," she says gently. "But you have to think about what it might look like to him, Jongdae. You've been together for all these years, so you need to understand that Joonmyun will probably read way more into it than he'll be able to help."

Jongdae exhales heavily through nose, and lets Yura hold his hand. "I know."

Yura squeezes, and she offers him a smile. "I've only met Joonmyun-ssi a few times, but from what Chanyeol and you tell me and from what I've seen, it's very clear to me that he loves you very much. You can't ever forget that. He doesn't want to marry you because he wants to force you into something. He wants to because he loves you."

The little girl had climbed into her mother's lap and she was gazing at him with big, round eyes, eyes that were alarmingly stoic and mature-looking for her age. Confusion rises in his throat like bile, and he swallows.

"I don't know what to do."

"I'm not tell you to do anything, Jongdae," Yura tells him simply. "You'll know if you need to do anything when the time comes. Joonmyun-ssi will do anything to keep you, even if it means denying himself the thing he wants most. It's up to you if you want to keep denying him that."

The television screens in the walls of the subway car flash a blinking map—the next stop was Yura's.

Jongdae helps her with her luggage up onto the sidewalk before they reach Chanyeol's building. It's in the elevator does Yura wrap her fingers around his elbow and stroke soothingly. "I know it's hard," she says. "But I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're a smart boy, Jongdae."

Jongdae lets out a shaky, nervous laugh. "I'm going to miss you after the wedding."

Yura smiles, tugging at his arm until he falls into her embrace. "I'm always a Skype call away."

"Thank you, noona," Jongdae says fiercely into her hair, hugging her tight. Their floor dings, and he grabs her suitcases again.

When Chanyeol opens the door, blinking and squinting in the hallway light like he just woke up, it takes a few seconds to process what he's seeing before a giant grin spreads across his face.

" _Noona!!_ " he half-shouts, throwing his arms around her. "You're—why didn't you tell me you were coming early?"

Yura smirks, pinching his side. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

Chanyeol shies away from her fingers. "How did you even—oh." His eyes finally land on Jongdae, who had stepped to the side. " _Oh_."

It's a tense few moments that they hold each other's gazes, before Chanyeol breaks the silence.

"Did you pick her up from the airport?" His tone is demanding, but not accusatory.

Jongdae swallows and squares his shoulders. "I did. It was a favor."

Chanyeol spends another few seconds scanning his face before finally stepping forward to clap a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for before, Jongdae," he says heavily, and offers him a small grateful smile. "Things got out of hand."

Relief floods Jongdae's body as he grasps Chanyeol's hand on his shoulder and grins back. "I'm sorry too. I know you were just trying to help out."

Yura clears her throat delicately. "I'll just escort myself in, don't mind me." She winks at Jongdae before ducking inside, wheeling her carry-on behind her.

Chanyeol scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "Soojung's been going crazy without you, Jongdae. I'm really sorry for what I said, but we really need you again."

Jongdae drags his foot back and forth against the tile. "I had a feeling she would be, but I've taken care of most of it already. I just need you two to give the final approval."

Chanyeol barks out a short, relieved laugh. "Jesus christ, Jongdae," he says weakly, running his hands through his hair. "You're really, really something else. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I'm really grateful for everything you've done for us. You've really made Soojung happy, this wedding is her dream come true, you know."

Jongdae smiles, a happy and pleased glow filling his ribcage. "You're my best friend, Chanyeol. Of course I'm going to put all my effort."

Chanyeol reaches out again to squeeze his arm. "Joonmyun is lucky to have you. I won't try to get in between you guys anymore, but I just wanted to let you know that he really is lucky. You're a good man."

Chanyeol's words hit home for him, and Jongdae bites at his lip as he thinks about the circles under Joonmyun's eyes and the way he looks so irrevocably tired these days. "I'm lucky to have _him_ ," Jongdae admits. "If not luckier."

Chanyeol nods understandingly, and the hand on his arm his gone. "Do you wanna come in for a drink or something? Yura-noona is going to talk my ears off otherwise."

Jongdae shakes his head. "I have to meet with the caterer in an hour. Next time."

"Alright," Chanyeol grins at him. "Tell Joonmyun I said hi. I'll be seeing you both on Thursday night, right?"

Jongdae faintly remembers Chanyeol telling him three months ago to keep the Thursday before the wedding open for a night out in Gangnam with the guys. Not quite a bachelor's party, but close enough.

"Yeah," Jongdae says, wonder how on earth he was going to get Joonmyun to come out to Gangnam when in the past two weeks they've barely exchanged more than small talk. "Yeah, we'll be there."

♦

It isn't as difficult as he would have thought; all Jongdae had to do was mention that Chanyeol had invited him out with the rest of the groomsmen, and Joonmyun had looked up with a curiously blank expression on his face.

"What time?" he'd asked, and that was that.

They start at club Answer, where Chanyeol's friend worked as a DJ and had gotten them free table service in the upstairs VIP lounge. Chanyeol is already tipsy by the time they get there, cheeks flushed and eyes bright and glossy.

"First round is on me," he announces, the edges of his words slurring together. "Order whatever you like, gentlemen."

"Cheers," Baekhyun grins, flagging down a pretty server. "Don't mind if I do."

Jongdae shakes his head at him before turning to his boyfriend. "What do you want?" he asks, trying to keep his tone casual.

Joonmyun shrugs. He looked nice—graphic tee, blazer, and dark jeans—and had Jongdae not been so hesitant about bringing him out that night, he would have been all over him already. "Whatever you want."

Jongdae bites his lip, feeling all of a sudden like he was being tested. It was the way Joonmyun had said it, almost like a challenge, but then Baekhyun's nagging at him to order and Jongdae pushes it out of his head.

"Two whiskey sours," he tells the girl, who gives him a glossy-lipped smile before flouncing off.

"So, Jongdae-hyung." Sehun sidles up to him from out of nowhere and slides in next to him. "What are you planning tonight?"

"Planning?" Jongdae feels Joonmyun leave his side and glances over anxiously, watching him walk up to Kris. He can see Joonmyun say something quietly, and then Kris putting a hand on his shoulder. Jongdae's stomach lurches.

"Yeah," Jongin pipes in, settling in Joonmyun's vacant seat. "Like, how are you going to get Chanyeol-hyung fucked up tonight? You know you totally could, you're his best man."

"I don't have anything planned," Jongdae tells them distractedly, his eyes never leaving Joonmyun. He watches the server bring him his drink before making a beeline for Jongdae.

"That's no fun," Sehun drawls. "We could help you if you want."

Jongdae accepts the glass from the girl with a small smile before snapping back to the other table. Kris was talking to Joonmyun with a serious, almost urgent expression on his face, and Jongdae's heart speeds up nervously. "That's okay," he says, checking out the conversation entirely. "I—I'll be back."

Kris watches over Joonmyun's shoulder as Jongdae makes his towards them, and he swallows. He can't quite decipher the look in the taller man's eyes, but Jongdae was certain that Kris _knew_ , and somehow it makes him feel even smaller than he usually feels as he finds Joonmyun's side.

"Hey," he says quietly, reaching down to link their fingers. Joonmyun lets him, which is a good sign. Jongdae lets out a small breath.

"I'm going to check on Chanyeol," Kris says, but not before giving Jongdae a long, hard stare. "Excuse me."

Jongdae's left with Joonmyun's hand clasped loosely in his. The fear is there again, quickly bubbling over and mixing with his anxiety, but Jongdae doesn't want to make a scene again, not after last time.

"You okay?"

Joonmyun's gaze flicks over to him, and he makes a small, half-hearted shrug. "Yeah, I'm fine. Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Jongdae swallows, tongue feeling thick in his mouth. He takes a long sip of his drink, shuddering as the alcohol burns his throat. He nods over at Joonmyun's glass, which was empty. Joonmyun must have killed it right away; Jongdae hadn't even seen him drink it. "Do you want another?"

Joonmyun shakes his head, not looking at him. Jongdae follows his line of sight, letting his gaze fall on Chanyeol and Baekhyun making a ruckus over by the bar. "That's okay. I'm good for now."

"JONGDAE!"

Jongdae jumps in his seat, wincing, and watches Chanyeol stagger over to them with a fifth of vodka clutched in his fist. Jongdae turns to Joonmyun and sees a flicker of amusement in his eyes. It's enough to lighten the load on his chest, even if just by a little.

"Jongdae, buddy, my best man," Chanyeol slurs when he reaches them. "I need you to do me a very important favor."

"What's that, Chanyeol?" Jongdae asks, biting back a grin. He feels Joonmyun squeeze his palm slightly, and his heart skips a beat as he squeezes back.

Chanyeol brandishes the bottle at him. "Ten seconds."

Jongdae chokes. "No fucking way."

"Come _on_ , Jongdae," Chanyeol whines, and fuck, he's doing the pouting thing that makes him look like a giant toddler. "I'm counting on youuuu, man! Baekhyun's going to make me do it if you don't!"

"Drink up, asshole!" Baekhyun cackles, and Jongdae exhales through his mouth, reluctantly taking the bottle. He hasn't done this kind of hardcore drinking since college, and his stomach churns unpleasantly.

The vodka goes down smooth, but he still makes a face as Chanyeol and Baekhyun count the seconds while he swigs. He makes it to five seconds when all of a sudden someone's tugging it away from his mouth, and Jongdae splutters, some of the alcohol dripping down his chin. He turns to see Joonmyun drinking the last of his seconds for him, lips pursed at the rim and pale throat working.

" _Yeah_ , Joonmyun-hyung!" Baekhyun hollers, thumping him enthusiastically on the back. "What a cool guy, teach me your ways."

Joonmyun wipes his mouth, face impassive as he hands the bottle back.

"You didn't have to do that," Jongdae tells him in awe, handing him a napkin.

Joonmyun shrugs. "It was for Chanyeol."

Chanyeol makes a strangled half-laugh, half-sobbing noise before capturing Joonmyun in a drunken headlock. "Joonmyunnie-hyung, you're my favorite of my friend's boyfriends," he wails. "I'm _so_ fucking glad Jongdae's dating you, have I ever told you that?"

Jongdae lets out a nervous laugh, pushing him off Joonmyun. "I'd like to _keep_ dating him, so please don't strangle him."

"Alright, break it up." The voice comes from within the crowd, and they all turn to see Byunghun pushing himself through the bodies to shake his phone in their faces. "It's eleven thirty, we're moving."

"Already?" Sehun complains from the couch. "But we've only been here for like an hour."

Byunghun smirks, jerking his thumb over his shoulder. "Jihoon's DJ set was over at eleven, so we don't get these tables anymore. We're going to Octagon."

"Octagon!" Chanyeol yells happily, flinging an arm over Baekhyun's shoulders. "I _love_ Octagon!"

Jongdae smiles, shaking his head at his best friend, before turning back to Joonmyun. "You okay?" he asks, reaching over to rub at his neck.

Joonmyun gives him a half-smile, and that in itself is enough to send a small ripple of relief through his body. "Don't worry, I'm fine." Joonmyun nods at Baekhyun struggling to drag Chanyeol's flailing limbs down the stairs and stands up. "Shall we?" he asks, holding out a hand.

Jongdae takes it, hoisting himself to his feet, and feels himself sway. The handle pull had gone straight to his head. "Yeah, let's go."

♦

Octagon is significantly larger than Answer, and about twice as packed. Chanyeol lets out a loud whoop before clumsily staggering out onto the dance floor, with Baekhyun, Sehun, Jongin, Byunghun, and Jihoon following after him into the crowd.

Jongdae and Joonmyun linger by the bar with Kris, who seemed content with sipping water and watching the chaos from the sidelines.

Jongdae juts his chin out at the madness. "Do you wanna dance?" he asks Joonmyun.

Joonmyun shakes his head. "Not at the moment."

Thankfully, Jongdae isn't too surprised. "That's okay," he says gently, sliding his palm down to lace their fingers again. "We can just stay here."

Joonmyun's hand is warm and dry in his, and every now and then Jongdae looks over to scan his face. He still has a distant, far-off look in his eyes, but somehow it doesn't matter because Joonmyun is out with him and he's holding his hand for the first time in _weeks_ and the alcohol is suffusing a warm, pleasant buzz throughout his entire body. Jongdae hums, leaning in to rest his head on Joonmyun's shoulder. The buzzing under his skin only seems to amplify when Joonmyun's arm comes around to wrap around his waist.

They stay there like that for a good while, and Jongdae almost forgets that Kris is standing next to him, only reminded when Kris lets out a low cough into his shirt sleeve.

"Tired already?" Chanyeol's back with Byunghun and Jihoon in tow, and if he didn't already look a mess before, he certainly does now. Jongdae's lips quirk in a smile, and he makes a mental note to tell Soojung later for kicks. "Looks like we need another round!!"

It's hard to say no to him when Chanyeol's practically forcing the glasses into their hands, and so Jongdae finds himself tossing back a shot of tequila before he can decide against it.

Kris sets his glass down next to his on the bar counter. "In North America, they use lime instead of lemon to chase tequila," he says absently, almost to no one.

Jongdae makes a face, wrapping himself around Joonmyun's arm. "Gross," he comments, sighing happily as Joonmyun drops his hand to Jongdae's and tugs him closer.

Kris gives him a look. "You wouldn't know unless you've tried it," he says darkly.

Jongdae is about to retort with a snappy comment when there's a loud cheer from the dance floor, and Jihoon raises an eyebrow.

"What was that?" he asks, but Chanyeol is already craning his neck to see above the crowd.

"Fuck, I think it's Jongin—he's doing a dance off with some guy—"

"Isn't that Lee Taemin?" Byunghun says incredulously, standing on his tip toes. "He used to be in our econ class, remember?"

Kris snorts and turns back to the bar, but Chanyeol, Jihoon, and Byunghun have all left already, whooping and hollering as they push their way through to where the club-goers have gathered in a circle.

Jongdae rests his chin on Joonmyun's shoulder, blowing his bangs out of his face. "Do you wanna go see?"

Joonmyun gives him a loose, easy smile that sets every one of his nerves on fire, and somehow Jongdae manages to dismiss the way it doesn't reach his eyes. "Sure."

And so they follow the others through the crowd, and Jongdae's acutely aware of Joonmyun behind him, his hand pressing low on the small of his back, until they reach the ring.

Jongin was in the middle of some complicated-looking locking sequence, and—judging by the cheers—people were liking it. He had shed his jacket, which Sehun was holding, pumping his fist and shouting like the rest of them.

Joonmyun presses up behind him, sliding his arms around his waist, and Jongdae leans back giddily, cupping his hands to his mouth and letting out a whoop. "Go Jongin!!!" he manages to get out before the world tilts dizzyingly. Fuck, he was drunk.

"Can we go sit down?" he tries yelling over the crowd, turning his head back towards his boyfriend. Joonmyun merely responds by dropping a kiss into his shoulder and tugging at his arm.

Once they've made it out of the crowd, Jongdae drops into a seat with a breathless laugh. "God, I'm drunk," he says. "I'm so drunk."

Joonmyun stands behind his chair and starts to rub at his shoulders. Jongdae lets out a little moan as he leans back into it, the music making his head pound. "Do you want some water?"

Jongdae nods mutely, and then Joonmyun's hands disappear for a second while he goes to the bar. Jongdae pulls out his phone to check the time. Almost one in the morning, he thinks dazedly as his vision swims.

"Here." Joonmyun is at his side again, pressing a water bottle into his hands. Jongdae drinks it gratefully before offering it back. When Joonmyun shakes his head, Jongdae settles instead for wrapping around his arm again, making a pleased little sound when Joonmyun's hand slides down to his thigh, turning to press his lips to the top of his head.

It's so very strange, Jongdae thinks, to be like this with Joonmyun, as if nothing had happened between them, as if it were five years ago and they were still back in college and getting shit-faced with their close friends. Joonmyun's hand on his thigh, Joonmyun's mouth at the crown of his head—it felt too good to be true.

"Has anyone seen Baekhyun-hyung?" A voice startles him of his drunken daze, and he blinks up at Sehun staring down at them expectantly.

It's Joonmyun who shakes his head, his fingers kneading slowly into Jongdae's thigh and sending little trills up and down his spine. "Haven't seen him since we got here."

"Probably has his head in the toilet," Jongdae mumbles into Joonmyun's shoulder, snuggling closer. "Or hooking up with somebody."

It doesn't escape Sehun's notice at all. "I'll just leave you two be," he says, smirking. "Don't get too frisky now, hyungs, Club Ellui is the next stop." He snickers before sweeping away into the crowd again.

Heat colors Jongdae's cheeks, but it doesn't stop him from tightening his grip around Joonmyun's arms anyway, eyes fluttering closed.

"Two bourbons," he hears Joonmyun order, and lets himself drift off until Joonmyun is nudging him awake.

"What's this for?" Jongdae asks, taking a small sip. He smiles. It's good.

"It's for you," Joonmyun tells him simply. It's then that it occurs to Jongdae that Joonmyun might be just as drunk as he is—his words slur together slightly, and his cheeks are tinged a dewy pink. "Since you're almost done with the wedding. I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you."

A happy flush finds its way into Jongdae's face, and he clinks glasses with Joonmyun shyly. "Thank you," he says before downing it in one long sip, humming when it goes down his throat, warm and spicy. "I can't wait for this shit to be over," he sighs, pressing his cheek against Joonmyun's sleeve. "I'm not going to even _think_ about weddings for a good six months after this."

Joonmyun stiffens beneath his touch, and Jongdae curses himself mentally.

"Sorry," he says quickly, lifting his head to try to meet Joonmyun's eyes, who's turned away. The night had been going so well—he thinks desperately. He just _had_ to fuck it up, didn't he? "Joonmyun—"

The panic starts to creep back into his bones as Joonmyun's hand finds his thigh again, digging in with his fingers. "It's okay," he's saying, and his words really are slurring now, and—maybe it was a figment of Jongdae's imagination—he sounds slightly breathless. "Don't worry about it."

Jongdae frowns. "Joonmyun," he tries again, and reaches up to turn his face back towards him.

For a long, tense moment, Joonmyun locks eyes with him, his mouth slightly open and cheeks colored, a stubborn neutrality in his eyes, the hurt he was trying to cover, and Jongdae's heart breaks a little as he holds his gaze for a few more seconds.

He opens his mouth. "Joonmyun—"

But whatever Jongdae was going to say, he never gets a chance to get out before Joonmyun's hand cups the side of his face and presses their mouths together.

And just like that, all his remarks are forgotten—his anxiety and the stress and the guilt—because Joonmyun is _kissing_ him, and Jongdae had forgotten just how much he missed his touch, his kisses, the feeling of his lips against his. He'd missed it so fucking much that the sheer force of his want washes over him in a sickening wave, and then Jongdae's mind officially shuts off.

Somehow he finds himself in his lap, Joonmyun steadying him with hands around his waist and licking hungrily into his mouth. Jongdae can't remember the last time they've been like this—rushed and sweaty and frantic—and tilts his head to let Joonmyun bite at his neck. His hand flutters down to his crotch, heartbeat quickening at the feeling of Joonmyun hard in his pants, and then he's climbing off of him, tugging Joonmyun to his feet, their mouths mashing together once more as Jongdae walks them backwards through the crowd.

Someone that sounds suspiciously like Jongin makes a catcall on their left, but Jongdae ignores them. It's only right before they reach the club exit does Jongdae catch sight of Kris near the men's bathroom. They lock eyes for a moment until understanding registers in Kris' eyes and he nods curtly, and then Jongdae turns himself forward, grabbing Joonmyun's hand to pull him out into the night air.

Jongdae doesn't remember hailing a taxi or pulling him into the elevator of their building, but before he knows it Joonmyun's got pressed against their door, his hands fumbling for the keys as Jongdae grinds their hips together with a low groan.

They stumble into the darkness of their apartment with Joonmyun's mouth latched to his throat and Jongdae's fingers scrabbling at his jeans, making quick work of his belt and zipper. In the thick, heavy air the only things audible are the drag of their feet along the floor as they make for the bedroom and the heavy sound of their breathing.

As Jongdae gets Joonmyun onto his back, splayed out and breathless and flushed beneath him, there's a a small voice in the back of his hazy mind telling him that perhaps he should say something, _anything_ , to break the silence. But Joonmyun's hand is slipping past his waistband to palm his erection and all thoughts of what he should and shouldn't do fly out of his mind.

It's like this that they fuck, with Jongdae hitched on top of Joonmyun's waist, his hand braced against the headboard and rolling his hips down onto Joonmyun's cock, and it's nothing beautiful. It's messy, it's graceless, it's _desperate_ —clumsily lipping at each other and panting into each other's mouths—as Joonmyun cants up without rhythm or finesse. Jongdae remembers each thrust ripping cries from his throat, remembers the way Joonmyun's hands gripped his waist as if he had something to prove.

It's like this that he blinks through the haze of his stupor and tunes into Joonmyun mumbling something underneath his breath. Joonmyun stares up at him, eyes half-lidded with pleasure and bangs damp against his forehead, as his lips form syllables that Jongdae can't make out. Jongdae whimpers as his cock drives home directly into his sweet spot, and over the slap of his ass against Joonmyun's hips, Jongdae is trying to piece it together.

It's only right before he comes, before Joonmyun wraps a hand around his neglected length and makes furious, insistent tugs that send him tumbling over the edge, does Jongdae's brain finally register what Joonmyun is telling him in soft and broken whispers of breath.

 _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

Over and over again.

It's the last thing he hears before Joonmyun swipes over the head of his cock, before Jongdae's curling in on himself with a tight cry, spurting thick and white in between their stomachs. It doesn't take long for Joonmyun to come like that, driving upwards into his ass with a relentless urgency that has Jongdae seeing stars.

 _I love you_.

It's only after Joonmyun falls asleep and Jongdae's wrapped around him under their bedsheets with his forehead pressed in between his shoulder blades does he say it back.

 _I love you_ , he whispers.

He's never meant it more in his life.

♦

Jongdae's alarm rings shrilly in the morning air and he grimaces, curling up against Joonmyun's sleeping form. It's the day of the wedding rehearsal, and he needs to be at the wedding venue in about an hour and a half, but Joonmyun is warm and soft in his arms and the thought of leaving their bed has him frowning groggily.

After five more minutes of shifting around, he eventually drags himself out of bed and into the shower. Joonmyun is still asleep when he comes out, standing there towel-drying his hair in the middle of their bedroom, and doesn't wake up even as Jongdae busies himself in the kitchen with coffee and breakfast.

When he's done eating, Jongdae comes into the bedroom with a glass of water and a note telling him that breakfast was in the kitchen, setting it on the bedside table. And right before he leaves, he can't help pressing a kiss into Joonmyun's forehead, smoothing his bangs back gently. Jongdae sighs, not wanting to leave, but the time urges him out of the house and into the next cab.

Upon arriving, he's relieved to see that he's not the only one who feels (or looks) like shit. Chanyeol has bags under his eyes, Soojung rubbing at his back soothingly, and Baekhyun frankly looks like he's one wrong step from running for the bathroom.

"How do you feel?" Kris greets him with a water bottle, which Jongdae takes gratefully.

"Crappy," he admits. "What happened after we left?"

Kris shrugs. "We ended up going to Ellui without Baekhyun, though turns out he'd gone home with someone earlier." Baekhyun's only response is a low grunt, and Kris rolls his eyes. "Chanyeol starting puking about an hour in, and then Jongin did right after him, so we decided to call it a night."

Jongdae nods slowly, swishing the water around in his mouth.

"What about you?" Chanyeol asks him, the first words out of him since Jongdae had arrived. "You and Joonmyun bounced early."

"Too much to drink," Jongdae lies easily, feeling Kris' eyes on him. "Joonmyun was tired, so I took him home."

Kris continues to give him a look, so Jongdae turns away pointedly, flushing.

At that point, they were waiting on Soojung's sister to arrive. It's only after Sooyeon comes through the door, apologizing profusely, do they finally begin the run through.

And the entire time the rehearsal is running, Jongdae thinks of Joonmyun. He thinks of Joonmyun lying there in their bed looking calm and peaceful, of the hurt in his eyes that he'd tried to conceal from him more than once. Jongdae thinks of kissing him soft and slow in their kitchen, of the way Joonmyun's hands would brush his hair back in the mornings when he had to leave early for his sections.

The rehearsal finishes without any major hiccups at around two in the afternoon, and finally Jongdae gets to go home and hopefully rest.

Joonmyun is eating lunch when Jongdae unlocks their door, and for a moment they stare at each other, Joonmyun in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and Jongdae looking haggard, before Joonmyun clears his throat.

"Hi," he says softly. "Thanks for the breakfast."

Jongdae swallows thickly. "No problem. Sorry I had to leave early—I was trying not to wake you up."

"It's fine," Joonmyun says, watching Jongdae pour himself a glass of orange juice. "Jongdae."

Jongdae is in the middle of searching through their cabinets for some painkillers. "Yeah?"

"We should talk."

Jongdae freezes, turning around slowly to meet Joonmyun's gaze again. His face is aggravatingly neutral, and he feels something clank dully into place inside of him.

"Talk." Jongdae's words seem stuck in his throat. "Yeah. Yeah, okay."

Joonmyun doesn't say anything until Jongdae is sitting down across from him, and after a few seconds he sighs.

"I'm not mad at you."

"Joonmyun—" Jongdae starts, but he holds up a hand.

"Let me finish," Joonmyun says, and he sounds so, so _tired_. "This past month was messy, but I think we can move past it. I don't blame you for anything."

"But you _should_ ," Jongdae says quickly, the shame burning once again in his face. "I wasn't thinking when I said any of that shit, Joonmyun, it was wrong—"

"It was wrong for me to assume that you were ready for something that I should have known you weren't," Joonmyun replies simply. He reaches across the table to grasp Jongdae's hands in his, and looks at him with such frankness that Jongdae has to bite his lip to refrain from making a comment. "I don't ever want to force you into doing something you're not ready for."

It's too easy, Jongdae thinks. No way is this happening. No way is Joonmyun forgiving him just like that. It's way too fucking easy.

"You have a history," Joonmyun continues. "I'd gotten so caught up with hoping that maybe, just maybe, you wanted it too, I'd forgotten that you have legitimate reasons to be scared. It was selfish of me."

Jongdae's heart hammers in his chest. "Joonmyun, don't be like this. It's not your fault, I should have known—"

Joonmyun shakes his head, and there's a sadness there, a deep and irrevocable sadness that Jongdae doesn't know how to fix, and it frightens him.

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun says finally. "I won't bring it up again, I promise. I just want to go back to how we were before. I'm so sorry."

It's wrong. It's so so wrong. Joonmyun is sitting there apologizing for something that wasn't even his fault, and Jongdae's apology is stuck in his throat, blocked by the way that Joonmyun is looking at him, honest and desperate and beautiful, and it just wasn't _fair_.

"I miss you," Joonmyun whispers, and his fingers stroke the back of Jongdae's hands. "I miss us. Please, please forgive me."

Jongdae's guilt is burning in the back of his mouth. He's not sure what makes him say, "I forgive you," or what makes him lean across the table to kiss Joonmyun's fingers and say, "It's okay," but the smile that lights up Joonmyun's face is dazzling—the first real smile Jongdae had seen in forever—and somehow it chases the remaining doubts out of his head as Joonmyun tugs him to his feet and into his arms. Jongdae takes a deep, shuddering breath, breathing in the smell of Joonmyun's hair as he hugs him fiercely, and his heartbeat speeds up as he pushes any last thoughts of it out of his brain.

Perhaps it was too easy, but they're okay now, Jongdae thinks as Joonmyun's eyes curve up into half-crescents. Maybe it wasn't right, but at least now they could put it past them and see through Chanyeol and Soojung's wedding tomorrow without any bad feelings hanging overhead.

Maybe, he thinks later, sprawled out on the couch watching television with Joonmyun's head in his lap. Jongdae's fingers stroke softly at his hair until Joonmyun catches at his wrist and kisses his palm, and a wild, exhilarating bubble swells in his chest. It pushes the lingering guilt to the back of his mind.

 _Maybe_.

♦

Saturday morning, 8:00 AM. D-Day. Wedding day.

Jongdae rushes around the bedroom frantically, rifling through their drawers as he tries to find the last of his checklists. The wedding was in about two hours, but he had to be there early to get ready with the rest of the wedding party for pictures and last minute revisions.

"I put it here somewhere," Jongdae gasps, shuffling through a pile of papers on the desk and trying to pull on his sock at the same time.

"Hey, relax," Joonmyun says gently, pressing the list he needs into his hands. "Calm down. It'll be fine."

Jongdae bites his lip, making one last hop and pulling his sock on all the way. "What would I do without you," he breathes, kissing Joonmyun square on the mouth.

Joonmyun smiles at him. "Go," he tells him. "You'll be late."

Jongdae gathers up the rest of his things—seating arrangements, guest lists, important phone numbers, his bowtie—and shoves them into a bag before putting on his dress shoes. He looks up at where Joonmyun's suit is hung up on the bathroom door, pressed and clean and waiting to be donned, and then back at Joonmyun, still in his pajamas.

"See you there?" Jongdae asks hopefully.

Joonmyun laughs before kissing him one last time, nudging him out the door. "Of course. I'll see you there."

When Jongdae arrives, Soojung is in hysterics.

"Sooyeon-unnie isn't here," she says shrilly, practically flying at Jongdae the moment she sets eyes on him. "My _maid of honor isn't here_ , Jongdae, what do I do—"

"Woah," Jongdae says, patting her back, adopting the same tone of voice that Joonmyun had used on him earlier. "Take a deep breath. When was the last time you'd spoken to her?"

"About an hour ago," Soojung breathes heavily through her nose. "Jongdae, god, I'm so nervous—it's probably just traffic, but— _god_."

Jongdae squeezes her hands. "It's okay, we're all on edge right now. I'll give Sooyeon-noona a call. It'll be okay, alright?"

Soojung takes another steadying breath before attempting a smile. "Alright."

Jongdae gives her a gentle push towards the back of the church before catching sight of Yura. He grins broadly as he goes over to hug her.

"You look so pretty," he says. "My favorite noona all dressed up."

Yura laughs through her nose. "Don't get sappy on me, Jongdae. Is the bride going to be alright?"

"Maybe you should stay with her until Sooyeon-noona gets here," Jongdae says wisely. "Have you seen Chanyeol?"

Yura points towards one of the side doors of the church. "Out there with the boys. He'll be expecting you."

Thankfully, Chanyeol's nervousness is nowhere near as bad as Soojung's mini-breakdown. Chanyeol looks fantastic in a creamy white tux, his dark, reddish hair slicked back and a purple orchid in his button hole.

"I can't believe it, Jongdae, I'm getting married."

Jongdae punches his shoulder playfully. "You better believe it, I spent almost a whole year trying to plan this wedding."

Chanyeol's eyes take on a serious look. "Jongdae, I don't know how I'll ever thank you, you've been so much help these past ten months."

"Don't worry about it," Jongdae says, laughing. "Just write me into your will or something, I don't know."

Chanyeol beams at him before Jongdae leaves to hunt down Baekhyun.

Soon, the guests begin to file in, filling the church with a gentle cadence of noise and scuffle. Sooyeon arrives just in time to quell another of Soojung's panic attacks, and before anyone knows it, it's almost time to start.

Jongdae bids goodbye to Chanyeol as he leaves to take his place in the foyer of the church, taking a deep breath. He pokes his head out to try and scan the pews for Joonmyun, but it's hard to tell from the back.

Sooyeon tugs at his arm. "It's time."

The procession goes exactly according to plan, the groomsmen escorting the rest of Soojung's bridesmaids down the aisle. Jongdae and Sooyeon are the second to last to walk down the aisle as the best man and maid of honor, and Sooyeon primly takes his arm right before they walk out.

It's during the procession that Jongdae realizes that something is very, very wrong. His eyes flick back and forth over the pews, searching frantically, before he realizes that Joonmyun isn't there. His heart leaps into his throat as they separate at the altar, but then Soojung begins to walk down the aisle and Jongdae pushes it out of his head.

Soojung saunters in delicately on her father's arm, all smiles and glowing, and Jongdae is blown away by how gorgeous she is. The look on Chanyeol's face is utterly priceless, one that Jongdae will never forget, and even Jongdae has to wrench his eyes away from her to continue searching the crowd.

Throughout the ceremony, Jongdae forces himself to not turn around to keep looking entirely for couple's sake, but it's extremely difficult when the weight of his fast-returning guilt is pressing in on him from all sides, smothering him in his tuxedo.

He vaguely tunes into the exchange of vows and Chanyeol flipping up Soojung's veil to seal the deal with a kiss, barely registers when the entire church stands up to applaud the newly-weds. The only thing that mattered was that Jongdae wanted one person there with him at his best friend's wedding, and that one person was no where to be found.

"I'M FUCKING MARRIED!" Chanyeol bellows the moment they step outside, much to the chagrin of parents and Soojung hushes him urgently.

"Jongdae!" Chanyeol bounds up to him, about to envelop him in a bone-crushing hug, when he stops short at the expression on his face. "Jongdae, What's wrong?"

"Joonmyun," Jongdae says quietly, typing furiously on his phone. _where are u??????_ he texts, hoping to god that Joonmyun would answer. "He's not here."

Chanyeol sucks in a breath. "At all? Maybe he came in late and you didn't see?"

Jongdae shakes his head, his heart thudding in his ears. "I was checking all the doors."

"I—christ, Jongdae. We're about to leave for the reception, but you're free to go if you want to find him."

Chanyeol looks so genuinely distressed that Jongdae feels another rush of guilt for making him like this on his wedding day, and he hated feeling like this, like he was a burden.

"It's okay," Jongdae says quickly, pocketing his phone. "I'll come with you guys."

"You sure?" Chanyeol asks, sounding more and more worried. "It's totally fine if you don't."

Jongdae nods decisively. "I need to go anyway, I have the seating arrangements."

He follows them into the wedding limousine, taking a seat next to Yura, who seemed to have noticed what was happening.

"Breathe," she tells him, stroking his arm. "It'll be okay."

Jongdae leans back in his seat, breathing deeply, and honestly wishes that he could believe her.

The reception passes in a blur, the seat next to his at the table empty where Joonmyun should have been. Jongdae feels hollow, feeling like he's going through the motions of acting happy and excited. He has to force himself to smile for the pictures when the camera appears in his face, but goes back to letting the numb, aching throb spread throughout his body. The entire time he's sending increasingly desperate text messages on his phone, getting more and more sick to his stomach when every single one of them go unanswered.

"You can stop texting him," says a voice. Jongdae looks up to see Kris hovering by his table, tucking his phone back into his jacket. "He's not coming."

Jongdae gapes after him, the numbness taking hold of him completely as Kris goes back to his own table.

"Wait—" he calls after him. "Did Joonmyun tell—"

"Ladies and gentlemen," Baekhyun's voice cuts through on the microphone, and the entire room falls silent. "I hope you've all been enjoying the dinner so far, but trust me, what we've got coming is a lot juicier than the steak you're eating."

Jongdae furiously tries to make eye contact with Kris again, who only shakes his head at him, and he feels his heart drop into his stomach.

"At this time, I would like to announce that the best man has a few choice words to say to the bridge and groom."

And this time Jongdae's blood freezes again, but for an entirely different reason. _The speech_. He'd completely forgotten about it, was supposed to ask Joonmyun for help writing it, but had never gotten the chance.

But now, as Jongdae gets shakily to his feet and the entire reception room is looking at him, he had no choice. He'd just have to wing it.

Jongdae clears his throat uneasily, glancing over to the table of honor, where Chanyeol and Soojung were sitting there and staring at him expectantly. He takes a deep breath, then starts.

"Chanyeol and I have been best friends for a long time," Jongdae begins nervously. "We went to the same schools and everything, even liked the same girls. Or tried to," he adds sheepishly, and he hears Sehun snigger.

"It was in college that we kind of separated, but I don't really blame him. Chanyeol's wanted to do law for as long as I remember, so it didn't really surprise me when he headed right into law school after university. I really admired him for it, and it's not like we hadn't stayed in touch.

"There was this one time where Chanyeol was studying for a really big exam, and so being the genius he was, he forced himself to stay up for 3 days straight. So, naturally, he ended up passing out right after his exam due to overexertion."

A few people laugh, and Jongdae smiles anxiously. "I'll never forget what Chanyeol told me. 'Jongdae, I woke up and there was the most beautiful girl standing over me,' he'd said. It turns out that girl was Soojung-ssi, and she had been his attending nurse. It had been the first time I'd ever heard of her, but it would not have been the last, not by far.

Joonmyun had actually been the one to set them up on their first date, but Jongdae doesn't say that, his throat tightening up at the thought of his boyfriend.

"For the past year, I've been in a really weird position being both the planner of their wedding and Chanyeol's best man. I admit that I don't normally get too personally involved in the weddings I plan, but—" Jongdae looks over to give Chanyeol a smile. "Chanyeol's my best friend. How could I not? Especially when he and Soojung are so happy and perfect for each other?"

It's then that Jongdae turns to face Chanyeol and Soojung directly, and takes another breath. "Chanyeol, Soojung-ssi, I'm honored that you picked me to plan this wedding for you. It's been a stressful ten months, but I don't regret any bit of it in the slightest. This has been one of the most rewarding weddings I've ever had the privilege to plan, and I just wanted to tell both of you that I hope that this small happiness that I could help create for you continues throughout the rest of your lives together.

"I hope you both fall more and more in love with each other with each passing day," Jongdae says firmly, and before he can help it, Joonmyun appears suddenly in his head, his smile, his kisses.

"I—I hope you have many more happy and rewarding memories with other—" The way Joonmyun sings in the shower, the tuft of hair that sticks up in the morning, the endearing way that Joonmyun leaves his clothes around their whole apartment for Jongdae to pick up. "I hope—"

Their first date. The first bed they've bought together. The first time they made love. The first time Joonmyun had told Jongdae that he loved him.

Soojung standing on her pedestal in her wedding gown, whispering, _"Don't you think you deserve to be happy, too?"_

Jongdae breaks off in the middle of his sentence, vision going blurry. The room is silent as Jongdae stands there, shaking. He couldn't ignore it any longer, the painful absence of Joonmyun at his side, in his heart. After all this time, Jongdae's finally figured out the last piece of the puzzle, the one person who could pull all the strings together, _Joonmyun_.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I'm really, really sorry, but I need to leave."

No one says anything, and Jongdae looks up to make eye contact with Chanyeol, who gives him an encouraging nod. Soojung is wiping at her eyes and makes a _hwaiting!_ motion with her fist, and that's all Jongdae needs to turn on his heel and make a line for the exit.

Before he reaches the door, a hand pulls him back, and Jongdae wheels around to see Kris.

"You'll need these," Kris tells him gently, pressing his car keys into his hand.

Jongdae finds himself unable to answer, and instead nods his thanks wordlessly, swallowing thick over the lump in his throat.

Kris clasps him on the shoulder. "Good luck."

The drive back to their apartment has never felt so long in his life, every red light seeming like an eternity, and then finally, _finally_ , Jongdae is home.

"Joonmyun—" Jongdae breathes, bursting through the door.

Only silence answers him, and Jongdae starts to panic again once he realizes that Joonmyun wasn't at home. His eyes dart around, searching desperately for a sign, anything that might indicate where he might have gone, and his gaze lands on the window.

The park across from their complex, he thinks with a sudden realization, before dashing back out into the hallway.

His mind races on the elevator ride back down—what would he say? What if Joonmyun wasn't even there, then what?

Jongdae doesn't have to wonder much longer once he steps out of the building, and he looks out across the street. His breath catches in his throat.

Joonmyun is sitting on one of the park benches with his head in his hands, and—Jongdae's heart seizes up in his chest—he was wearing the suit he was supposed to wear to the wedding.

Joonmyun doesn't look up as Jongdae wordlessly walks over to him, doesn't even look up when Jongdae is standing right in front of him, about to burst, and it tugs at each and every one of his heartstrings.

"Joonmyun," he says softly, kneeling down on the grass in front of him.

"I couldn't do it," Joonmyun whispers at his knees. "I tried so hard, Jongdae. I wanted to be there for you, for the wedding you worked so hard to plan, but I couldn't—I just—"

Jongdae tilts Joonmyun's face up with gentle fingers, and the last pieces of his heart break apart at the sight of Joonmyun's eyes, glassy and hurt.

"I'm sorry," Jongdae tells him brokenly. "I was selfish and never thought to think that I could be hurting you so intensely all these years. I wasn't thinking of you, only of myself, and I don't ever want to do that again. I don't want to keep denying you the thing you want most."

Joonmyun's mouth presses into line, lips white and trembling, eyes confused and scared. "You don't have to do this, Jongdae. You don't have to do this if you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. I don't want you to regret anything you do for me."

Jongdae lets out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, before reaching to take Joonmyun's hands in his. "No, Joonmyun, no. I _love_ you. I want to, I want you to be happy. I want to be happy with _you_."

He can see the confusion in Joonmyun's eyes, how he doesn't understand—and it's the same look he's seen over and over, when Joonmyun thinks he doesn't deserve it, when he thinks he'll never be good enough—and Jongdae makes his decision right then and there.

"Please," he says, holding tight to his hands and squeezing. "Please let me love you for the rest of my life. Please be my husband. Please, please, _please_ marry me, Joonmyun."

Joonmyun stares at him blankly and Jongdae has never felt more inadequate in his life. He isn't prepared for this, he doesn't have a ring or _anything_ , but he wants this, _needs_ this. It's always been Joonmyun for him, always.

Finally, Joonmyun tugs his hands free of Jongdae's, and before Jongdae can say anything else, Joonmyun is reaching into his pocket.

And pulls out a ring.

Jongdae's heart jumps into his mouth.

"I've had this ring for over a year now," Joonmyun whispers, and Jongdae wraps his fingers around his again. "I never thought I'd get a chance to use it….. but _yes_."

Joonmyun takes Jongdae's left hand in his, and slides the ring onto his finger. "Yes to everything."

Jongdae's heart is about to burst through his chest, and he takes Joonmyun's face in his hands as he kisses him over and over again. They stand up, Jongdae's arms going around his waist, before he realizes that Joonmyun is crying.

"Don't cry, Joonmyun," he whispers, wiping his thumbs under his eyes. "I love you."

Joonmyun lets out a shaky, breathy laugh, swiping furiously at his cheeks, and then there's a car honk behind them.

They turn to see the wedding limousine parked at the curb, and the window rolls down to reveal Chanyeol and Soojung waving and cheering.

Happiness spreads throughout Jongdae's body as he tugs Joonmyun close and waves back, grinning, the ring on his finger glinting in the sun.

"Joonmyun-oppa!" Soojung calls, and throws something through the window of the car, and Joonmyun looks up in time to catch it. It's Soojung's flower bouquet, and it takes them both a couple of seconds to see that Chanyeol had wrapped her garter around the handle.

" _Park Chanyeol!!_ " Jongdae laughs, but Chanyeol is already rolling up the window, grinning.

They watch the limo pull away, and Jongdae turns back to Joonmyun, beaming from ear to ear.

"I guess we're getting married," he tells him, and Joonmyun reaches up to kiss him again.

"What happened to no more talk of weddings for six months?"

Jongdae laughs, and then pulls Joonmyun close enough to feel their hearts beating together, one pulse that thrums throughout his whole body.

"Guess that'll have to wait until afterwards."

♦

_Epilogue: Six months later_

"I still can't believe you actually said yes, you asshole," Baekhyun mutters, thumbs typing a text message. "Lost me so much money."

"I can't believe you made a bet for _two hundred thousand won_ over this," Jongdae fires back easily, snuggling into Joonmyun's side before stealing some of his fries.

Joonmyun laughs, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Looks like you need to make better friends, Jongdae."

"Yeah, like me," Chanyeol says, also stealing some of Joonmyun's fries. "I was rooting for you, Jongdae."

"We all were," Soojung says happily, leaning back with a sigh, hands on her swollen belly. She was about to hit three months soon, Chanyeol had announced proudly when they'd all sat down earlier at the diner. "Speaking of which," she adds, smiling cheekily. "How's the planning coming along?"

"Absolute nightmare," Joonmyun says with feeling, but he presses a kiss to Jongdae's cheek anyway. "He's obsessed."

Jongdae grins sheepishly. "Joonmyun won't let me make more than two phone calls a day. I told him it was part of the package."

"Well, at least you won't have to pay him," Chanyeol jokes. "Jongdae's prices are insane."

Jongdae waggles his eyebrows at him. "How do you know I won't charge?"

"Ew," Baekhyun says, still staring down at his phone. "I do not need to imagine that."

"Who have you been texting?" Chanyeol demands, making a swipe for his phone.

Baekhyun holds it out of his reach, but Soojung plucks it out of his hand, peering at the screen.

"Ooooh," she gushes conspiratorially. "Who's _Kyungsoo?_ "

As Baekhyun splutters and turns a bright red, Jongdae leans into Joonmyun's side, dragging his hand along his thigh.

"I had a dream last night," Jongdae whispers, low enough for only Joonmyun to hear.

"Yeah?" Joonmyun presses in closer. "What did you dream about?"

"You," Jongdae says simply. "Me." He turns his head to kiss Joonmyun on the mouth, and when he pulls back, Joonmyun is smiling bright and brilliant.

"Our happily ever after."


End file.
